My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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