Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
