i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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