There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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