i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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