I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
