for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
