I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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