I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
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