Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
