what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
