hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
