Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
