i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
