just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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