Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
