i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
