Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
