I think I won the penis lottery.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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