How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize