please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
