He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
