I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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