Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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