oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
