she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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