Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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