please come you make the beer taste better
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
