that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize