Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
