I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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