oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
