The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize