News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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