I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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