A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
