My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
