Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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