I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
17 year olds will be the death of me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
