the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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