Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
