you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
