So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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