she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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