I hate your face
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize