just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize