Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
false alarm. still invincible.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
