so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
