I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
