i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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