My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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