I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
