I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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