she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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