Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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