his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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