Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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