ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
