Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
