I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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